Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
