And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize