I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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