Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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