sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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