you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
