He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
we're so committed to being not committed
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