the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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