Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
