where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
