How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
