He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
