Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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