i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize