And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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