For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
