I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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