haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
