i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
