you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
