There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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