Swine flu is the new snow day.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize