I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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