So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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