I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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