the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
