They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
