I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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