well I can't set my house on fire every night
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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