Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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