my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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