Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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