As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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