I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
