she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
