TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
