Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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