Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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