The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
