today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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