so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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