Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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