Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
