ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
