I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
