Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
