My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Rumble strips road head = magical
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
