Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
