I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
