Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
