Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
