if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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