Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
