I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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