The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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