Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
