There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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