i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
