Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
