Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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