my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
