I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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