does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
